The Lost, The Fallen
by Lifeshandful
Summary: Kelly remembers Shay and lets Stella in.


_**The Lost, The Fallen**_

May 13th never got any easier, the day was always filled with a crushing sadness, a lingering bitterness, and a million memories.

Kelly looked over at Stella as the light from the full moon illuminated their bedroom knowing he had been distracted all day, barely talking, and had been rather unfair to her as yet again he failed to communicate with her all that he was feeling, all that was going on in his head, and all that was weighing him down making him feel as if he was drowning. He knew she was concerned, knew that she worried about him; he could feel the concern radiate from her and could feel the quick glances that she had stolen over the day as a way to ease her worry even though he was sure it had only increased with each passing glance. He let out a soft sigh unable to sleep as he thought about the past. He gently eased himself away from Stella without waking her and out of the bed then made his way out to the lounge and settled in one of the chairs in front on the fireplace once he found what he wanted.

The photo album only made an appearance once a year on the thirteenth of May, and it was filled to the brim, each page full of photos and hand written blurbs, and even the slots in between the pages were filled with loose photos that hadn't found a place although they were no less worthy than those stuck down.

Kelly had been surprised when he had found the album. It had been placed at the bottom of one of his boxes that had been placed in storage after Shay's death whilst he moved in with Matt Casey and Gabby Dawson, wrapped neatly in one of his old Truck sweatshirts. He had only found it when he moved out so that Matt and Gabby could live with Louie as a family, and had been unpacking everything after so long. He didn't even know it existed until he had found it knowing it wasn't him who had packed the box that it had been unearthed from but now he was so grateful to have it and even more thankful that it had been created. It served as a reminder, and a gift to never forget.

Kelly opened the album up and smiled at the first photo that his eyes landed on, one of the first nights out that he and Shay had gone out together after they had moved in together. He did not know who had taken the photo, mostly due to the alcohol he had consumed that night, but he would always be silently thankful for whoever did. The photo had Shay giving him a very drunken sloppy kiss to his cheek with her slender arms wrapped around his neck as he smiled drunkenly but what he loved more was what she had written in her messy scrawl that he always teased her about, _'Our first night out. One of the best from the little I remember.'_

He turned the page over as his eyes filled with tears that he fought to keep from falling. Another photo that he didn't know who it was taken by or how Shay even got a copy of it but just like every photo in this album he was grateful that it had been taken. This photo was at the scene of a call, in the aftermath of a call that had left him injured after the stairs had partially collapsed taking him with them, and leaving his leg a bloodied mess and Shay was trying to treat him as he was arguing with her that he was just fine and did not need to go to the hospital. It was the one argument that they always had, and every time she would win resulting in a trip to the hospital for him. He knew it was because she cared, because she loved him just like he loved her. Truthfully, she had been right that time, the deep cuts had needed cleaning and stitching, and he had needed a course of antibiotics to keep the wounds from getting infected and she knew it given the caption, _'I was right! Twenty stitches and a two week course of anti-biotics for just a little cut'._

She was always there for him, and for as long as he lived he would never let her be forgotten because she was a part of him. There were little pieces of her that he carried with him, that he would take with him everywhere for the rest of his life.

**Chicago Fire**

Stella reached out for Kelly missing his warm body entangled with hers but only meet the cool cotton of the sheets. She opened her eyes to see that the bed was empty in the moonlight bathed room. The concern she had felt all through the day only heightened as she couldn't hear him in the apartment. She raised herself up and pushed the blankets down before she got out of the bed. She brushed her hands through her curls and went in search of the man she loved.

She stopped and leant against the doorframe of their bedroom watching as Kelly intently flipped through the pages of a book, a book that she couldn't decipher from the angle she was on. She gave him a few more moments before she quietly padded her way over to him, her heart breaking as he looked up at her and even in the soft light she could see his tear glistened baby blue eyes that showed the emotions coursing through his body.

He lifted the book up from his lap and with his other hand patted his thigh silently indicating that he wanted her to join him and asking if she would. She eased herself down on his lap, angling her body inwards towards him as she placed her hand on the nape of his neck, and then he eased the open book down onto her lap, showing her what had made him so emotional.

She immediately recognised the faces in the photos, had seen the photo and plague on the wall in the firehouse and knew the blonde was Leslie Shay, the former paramedic of Firehouse 51 and from what she had heard had been Kelly's lifeline for a long time. But that was as far as her knowledge of the blonde extended given that Kelly never spoke about her, and she knew now why that was because it still pained him greatly. With her other hand she reached up and laid it on his face, brushing her thumb under his eye and wiping the single tear that had fallen away seeing a vulnerable side of him that he kept hidden away from her and everyone. He leaned into her touch as he took a deep breath and pulled her body closer to his as he wrapped his arm around her back with his hand covering her hip and his fingertips on the top of her thigh.

"It's the anniversary of her death… that's why I've been so off today." He was opening up and she felt sad for him, sad that he had felt that he had to deal with his pain and his grief all alone although she understood it, she understood him and knew how there were some things he preferred to deal with on his own. "Today is always hard but everything just seemed harder today. I missed her more today than I ever have, and I realised why." He knew she was letting him tell her in his own time, that she was not pushing him into talking and for that he was grateful but he felt like she needed to know, that she deserved to know about the other woman who would always occupy a part of his heart.

"And why was that?" Her fingers gently swept over the nape of his neck providing him comfort just as they had many times before as she spoke softly. It amazed him how a little touch could put him at ease.

"Because today I realised that I have all that she ever wanted for me." She hoped that he would explain but she wasn't going to push him not when he was so emotional, and not when he was sharing a painful part of his past with her that was still raw for him. "She wanted me to be happy and loved, and to love someone as much as they love me… And a part of me felt guilty when I realised that is something that she'll never have and she deserved everything. She deserved to be loved and to love someone, she deserved all of the happiness, she deserved to be a mom like she dreamed of, and she deserved to still be alive, to not have died when or how she did." His chest heaved by the time he finished as a majority of his thoughts from the day came out of him.

"You shouldn't feel guilty that you have that because she still has your love Kelly." Stella spoke softly hoping to put his mind at ease although she knew him and knew that it was something he would carry with him.

"This was her. This was Leslie Shay… and this was the life we shared." Kelly turned his attention to the photo album that he had rested on her lap, and in turn her attention as he was choosing to open up to her like he never had, not about Leslie Shay.

"She was gorgeous." The blue eyes were piercing against her fair skin even in the photograph. The photo that he had rested his fingertips on the very edge of was of him and Shay. He had his arm wrapped around her, across her chest, and his other arm was wrapped across her stomach as both her hands were wrapped around his arm. His head was rested on her shoulder and he was pressing a kiss to her cheek as she looked directly at the camera with a bright broad smile on her face.

"Yeah, she was. I loved her... She had this insane way of making everything alright. And she was the fiercest protector I have ever known." She could feel the love he had for Shay in his words, and she was glad to know that someone had loved him before she had because he was a man who needed to be loved, who needed to feel loved.

Stella looked down at Kelly and smiled before her eyes drifted back to the photo album on her lap seeing that he had turned to another page. "Tell me about this one." She asked as she pointed to another photograph, one of several that had been collaged onto the page. The photo she had pointed to was of Shay and Kelly arm in arm at some formal CFD affair, and he had his other arm held above her with a glass in hand and she was scowling at him but despite it they both looked happy.

"That's a long story." She sensed that there was more that he wasn't going to say and she didn't push him on it because he wasn't ready to share it, and even if he would never be it was okay because he was already sharing more than he ever had. "Okay, what about this one?" Stella let his fingertips hover over another one of the collaged photos, this time Shay was curled up almost asleep in Kelly's arms which were wrapped securely around her even with a hand of cards as he sat in his chair at the Squad table at the firehouse.

"Shay was extra cuddly when she was sick or recovering… She was one of those people that didn't get sick often but when she did it was really bad and it would take her a long time to recover." He paused as he smiled down at the photo remembering that particular photo being taken as Shay had let out what could have been classed as a growl as the flash had disturbed her. "Nothing could keep her down, she had this amazing ability to keep going… she and Gabby had just returned from a call and I knew she was feeling terrible, everyone could see she was, but she was determined not to let it stop her. I tried to convince her to go and lay down, get some rest but she wouldn't so we compromised and that was the result. I got to make sure she was alright and she got to rest." Once he had finished speaking he raised his head and met Stella's eyes and was almost overcome by the emotion, it appeared as though it was admiration and adoration that he could see in the brown eyes that he loved.

"She saved me… saved me way more times than I saved her… I'm sure that our relationship often seemed very one sided and the truth is that it was… She was always the grounding that I needed even when I did not know I needed it. The guiding light that could pull me back from even the highest and darkest ledge. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her but that's ironic given that her death was the thing that broke me… I had to piece myself back together and I didn't realise that she had been the one who pieced me back together for all the years I had known her. I wish I had told her more often that I loved her, I wish I had thanked her more for everything that she did but I didn't realise how much she did until she wasn't around anymore. The only thing I am grateful for was that my final words to her were that I loved her before we entered that building." Kelly's words gave Stella an insight she never had, sure she could hear about Kelly and Shay's relationship from other people, but hearing it from the man she loved, the man who had loved and lost the woman that he clearly loved and adored was more meaningful and heart-breaking than she could have ever imagined. Stella realised a few other things that were important, which included that Kelly needed to be connected and grounded at all times but the other thing she realised and she was sure that Kelly hadn't was that while Shay's death had left him with permanent and invisible scars it had also made him more resilient and appreciative of those around him, and that would be a part of her legacy.

"She is always going to be with you, right here." Stella said as she moved her hand down to his chest and let it rest over his heart as his hand come up to cover hers.

"I know… I love you Stella, please don't ever think that I don't. I know I will probably never say it enough but I do love you." There was an overwhelming and crushing need for him to tell her, to share his love for her with his words instead of his actions as he so often did. To him it felt as though there had been an atmospheric shift between them as he shared a hidden part of himself with her but he wanted to share it even though he knew he would never be able to share everything with her, it didn't matter.

"I feel it every day when you touch me, I see it every day when you look at me, and you are a part of me Kelly. I love you too, I do." She pressed her forehead to his temple as she spoke. The love she felt for him had only grown and she never wanted it to stop; listening to him share some of his life with Shay, the way he was letting her in was so special and she loved him even more for it because she could feel the love from him. She didn't need to be constantly told that he loved her because he showed her every day in so many ways that sometimes it astounded her, and there were still times when it rendered her speechless.

"I wish you could have met her. I can picture it sometimes … I think, I know, I would be in trouble though if you two got together." He couldn't keep the chuckle from interrupting his words as he spoke. He had dreamed about it once or twice, and even in the daylight when he was awake he could imagine the two of them together both at the firehouse and outside of it. He could imagine Shay yelling at him for something idiotic that he had done towards Stella, and he could see the way Shay would smirk at him and tease him about being in love with Stella but what he could see most often was her smile at his happiness, at their happiness. "She had this way of making me realise things quicker than I ever have on my own, she was a, she was my guiding light… She would have broken our contract as she always did but it was always in my best interests even if I didn't think it was at the time." He wanted to tell Stella about their contract but it was between him and Shay, and he wasn't ready to share the specifics with anyone else. It was their contract and it would be forever, _always._

"I wish I had met her too… I would have thanked her for loving you and for being your guiding light." Stella truly wished that he could have met the woman that he loved and who he held a fondness that was only reserved for those that were extraordinarily special to him. She felt him lightly squeeze her hand that was on his chest as she turned her head and faced the photo album again while her fingers continued to ghost over the nape of his neck. She watched as he went through the pages seeing the lingering emotions, the small smiles, and the glassy eyes and watching the way his fingers would graciously touch a photo every once in a while, and while he did not offer any commentary she did not ask any questions but he was still letting her be a part of something that he cherished more than almost anything else and she was grateful for that.


End file.
